The Buffybot's Guide to the Galaxy
by Andry
Summary: The Buffybot accidently goes through a time portal - and travels back to season 2! Confusion abounds, as Willow struggles to figure out why Buffy thinks she's gay, and Angel wonders why his girlfriend thinks he's lame.
1. The Sunnydale at the End of the Universe

Title: The Buffybot's Guide to the Galaxy, Part 1/?  
Author: Andry (rankochan@la.fille.gq.nu)  
Rating: PG/PG-13, language, sexual content  
Disclaimer: *standard disclaimer*  
Other: Takes place in Tough Love, after Willow and Tara's fight.  
  
The Sunnydale at the End of the Universe  
  
  
WAKE UP  
You are under a white sheet.  
  
TAKE OFF SHEET  
It falls to the ground. You are in a large, dark room. There are many other things here. There is a staircase leading up to a door.  
  
LOOK ME  
You are very pretty!  
  
OPEN DOOR  
You are too far away.  
  
GO DOOR  
You cheer on the door.  
  
GO TO DOOR  
How do you get there?  
  
THE STAIRS  
This sentence no verb.  
  
GO UP THE STAIRS  
You walk up the stairs.  
  
OPEN DOOR  
You open the door. There is a large room with a large variety of objects neatly arranged on shelves and tables. It is the Magic Box. There is a large chalk circle drawn on the floor. There is a sundial in the center of the circle.  
  
LOOK CIRCLE  
The circle is chalk. There is a sundial in the center of it. There is a powder sprinkled around the sundial.  
  
STEP IN CIRCLE  
You step in the circle. Something screams at you. The sundial lights up and spins counterclockwi-  
  
You are in a hallway. A large sheet stands next to you. The sheet reads, 'Boo'.  
  
"Hi Buffy!" The sheet says.  
  
"Hello!"  
"Aren't you . . . where's your group? A-and your costume?"  
  
SEARCHING: GROUP, COSTUME . . . SEARCHING . . . COMPLETE. 1 FILE FOUND.  
"This is my costume! I wear pretty things!"  
  
Two eyes peer out of the sheet at you. "Right."  
  
SMILE  
The sheet continues walking. "Come on. Principal Snyder's gonna be angry if-"  
  
A short boy bumps into you.  
  
"Oh! I'm sorry."   
  
IGNORE BOY  
You ignore the boy. The boy sniffs the air, stares at you, and walks quickly away. The sheet begins to walk away in the other direction.  
  
FOLLOW SHEET  
You follow the sheet. The sheet turns to stare at you.  
  
"Buffy, go to Principal Snyder!"  
  
SEARCHING: PRINCIPAL SNYDER . . . SEARCHING . . . COMPLETE. 0 FILES FOUND.  
"I don't understand!"  
  
The sheet sighs and a hands pokes out of it. The hand takes your wrist.  
  
"You're kinda out of it today, Buffy."  
  
SMILE  
The sheet shakes it's head. It leads you to a hallway near the stairs. There is a man there, and many children.  
  
LOOK MAN  
He is small and balding. He has large ears. He scowls at you.  
  
"There you are, Summers."  
  
SMILE  
"Yes, that is me!"  
  
"This is your group. No need to speak to them. The last thing they need is your influence. Just bring them back in one piece and I won't expel you." There are children beside him. He leaves.  
  
SMILE AT CHILDREN  
They smile back. "What are you supposed to be?" One of them asks.  
  
"I am Buffy!"  
  
There is a long pause.  
  
The sheet stares at you. "Buffy, you know what to do, right?"  
  
"I slay!"  
  
The sheet takes off it's sheet to reveal . . .  
  
"Hello  
WILLOW  
BEST FRIEND  
GAY (1999-PRESENT)  
WITCH  
Willow!"  
  
WILLOW addresses the children. "We'll be right back." She takes your wrist and leads you off to  
someplace quieter. "Buffy, you can't just say stuff like that in front of people! Secret identity,  
remember?!"  
  
"I don't understand. You're my best friend!"  
  
"O-o-of course I am, Buffy. But you can't tell just anyone you're the Slayer!"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"It's a secret!"  
  
"Okay. You're recently gay!"  
  
Willow stares at you. "Huh?"  
  
SMILE  
"You're a witch!"  
  
"Buffy, are you feeling okay?"  
  
HEALTH  
You are in perfect condition.  
  
"Yes, I am fine!"  
  
"W-well then, just take these kids Trick-or-Treating, okay? W-we can talk later. I mean, i-if you want to."  
  
SEARCHING: TRICK-OR-TREATING . . . SEARCHING . . . COMPLETE. 1 FILE FOUND.  
TRICK-OR-TREATING: A Halloween past time that involves going door to door, saying 'Trick-or-Treat!' and receiving candy.  
  
"I can do that!"  
  
SMILE AT CHILDREN  
They smile back.  
  
TRICK-OR-TREAT  
You lead the children away. 


	2. Confusion

Title: The Buffybot's Guide to the Galaxy, Part 2/?  
Author: Andry (rankochan@la.fille.gq.nu)  
Rating: PG/PG-13, language, sexual content  
Disclaimer: *standard disclaimer*  
Other: Takes place in Tough Love, after Willow and Tara's fight.   
  
Confusion  
  
  
Willow gasped, horrified, staring blankly at the sundial.  
  
I just wanted to patch things up with Tara . . . I never wanted this to happen . . . this is horrible.  
  
But I think that was the robot. I hope that was the robot. Buffy wouldn't be so dumb. No,  
definately robot. I have to find a return spell before she completely screws up our history. How  
had the robot even woken up?  
  
Her thoughts stumbled along disjointedly, still functioning, but with the slow stupidity of one  
gone numb with shock.  
  
"Hey! Where's Willow?" Anya demanded, the door to the Magic Box slamming behind her.   
  
"I-I'm right here," she called.  
  
"What? Where?"  
  
Oh, right. Invisible.   
  
"Willow?" Giles opened the door, stepping inside.   
  
She murmured something under her breath. Instantly she was visible again.  
  
"Hi, guys. W-we sort of have a problem," she said, staring at her feet.  
  
---------------------------------  
"I never meant for a-anybody else . . . I just wanted to m-make Tara feel better," Willow said, her  
breath hitching with sobs.  
  
"You wanted to make Tara feel better by eradicating your relationship with Oz?" Anya asked.  
Willow nodded.  
  
"We had a f-fight, and I had found that time-traveling spell a while ago, and I wanted to p-prove  
to her that she was the only one for me and -"  
  
"It's very dark magic," Giles said, frowning. "I can't believe you would try to alter the very fabric  
of your life! O-of the lives of those around you! Anything could have happened! Not to mention  
the danger of you getting caught in the past!" Willow chafed at her sleeves.  
  
"I know . . . but, but we have to get the robot back. She's doing more altering than I ever would! I  
just wanted to stop myself from meeting Oz . . . those two times . . ."  
  
Giles took his glasses off, sighing mightily.  
  
"Why didn't you just go in after her?" Anya asked, bored.  
  
"I would have . . . except I couldn't of brought her back. The spell is only for one person. To take  
two people back and forth, it's whole different kettle of fish." She wiped her nose on her sleeve.  
"I was just gonna not bump into him. And then not run in front of his car. Then, when we met  
later, he wouldn't recognize me and we'd never start - "  
  
"This is boring," Anya interjected. "And it was a stupid idea." Willow glared at her.  
  
"It would've worked!"  
  
Giles held up a hand. The girls fell silent, waiting. He stood up, walking over to the side door.   
  
'What's he doing?'  
  
'Anya's a bitch.'  
  
Giles opened the door in a swift motion, and just as quickly, slammed the door halfway shut.  
The minion inside fell forward, unconscious.  
  
"Wow!" Anya exclaimed.  
  
"How did you know?"  
  
"Just knew."  
  
-------------------------------------  
"Principal Snyder?" Buffy inquired. He turned, staring at her. "Hey . . . where's my group?"  
  
"What have you done with those children?!" He demanded. She stared.  
  
"Nothing much, considering I haven't even MET them," she said, a little crossly.   
  
"Where are they, Summers?!" He seemed to realize something. "And why didn't you have a  
costume on before?!"  
  
"Before . . .? Okay, WHAT'S going on? Hey! Principal Snyder, where are you going?"  
  
"Hey, Buffy!" Xander called, cheerfully. "Where's your group?"  
  
"I dunno . . . Snyder's under the impression that I've already been here and gone. He was majorly  
wigged." She shook her head. "I wonder if this means I'm off duty?" Xander shrugged.  
  
"If I were you, I'd just leave."  
  
"I might get in even more trouble," she pointed out. "But then, if he thinks I'm already gone . . .  
Wait. If someone left with my group . . . someone's trying to be Buffy! They - what if they hurt  
those kids?!"   
  
"If it helps, I haven't seen you since we got here," he offered.   
  
"No - don't worry. I gotta go. I'll deal with this. You just try and have a good time." He nodded, a  
little worriedly, turning back to his group. He knew she could handle this. She was, well, Buffy.  
  
"Okay, troops! Line up!"  
  
The kids nodded. Buffy shook her head.   
  
Time to get down to business.  
  
Time to find and kill whoever was going around impersonating her. That, or get Snyder away   
from whatever he was on.  
  
---------------------------------------  
"Hey, I know this! He's one of those things that work for Glory!" Anya exclaimed.  
  
"Yes. How helpful." The minion glared at him.  
  
"I do indeed work for the God. Let me go if you do not wish to incur her anger."  
  
"But . . . Giles . . . what about the Buffybot?" Willow asked urgently. Giles frowned slightly,  
getting a grip on the minion's hair.  
  
"Start researching return spells. And I think you and I"- to the minion -"ought to have a talk."  
  
"I will never betray Glorificus. I will never talk, no matter what heinous torture-"  
  
Willow went over to the bookshelf, sighing and wiping stray tears away. She would fix this. And  
she would make Tara see that Oz was nothing to what they had.  
  
She began with the book she had found the spell in originally. Nothing. She frowned. She hated  
it when they -   
  
" . . . find the witch and there's nothing you can do to stop her," the minion was saying, a smug  
smile on its face.   
  
"Witch?" Anya asked, puzzled.   
  
Willow froze as a horrible realization gripped her.  
  
"Tara." 


	3. Halloween Horror Nights, Part 1

Title: The Buffybot's Guide to the Galaxy, Part 3/?  
Author: Andry (rankochan@la.fille.gq.nu)  
Rating: PG/PG-13, language, sexual content  
Disclaimer: *standard disclaimer*  
Other: Takes place in Tough Love, after Willow and Tara's fight.   
  
Halloween Horror Nights, Part 1  
  
  
LOOK HOUSE  
It is a large house, with two windows, a door, and a garage. There are plants out front. It is  
painted white.  
  
GO HOUSE  
You cheer on the house.  
  
GO TO HOUSE  
You walk up to the house.  
  
One of the children knocks on the door. A woman opens it.  
  
"Trick-or-Treat!" The children say. The woman puts candy in their bags.  
  
"Hello, Buffy," the woman says.  
  
"Hello!"  
  
The woman closes the door. A boy turns to you. "How long before we gotta go back?"  
  
SEARCHING: GO BACK . . . SEARCHING . . . COMPLETE. 0 FILES FOUND.  
"I don't understand that question. But thank you for asking!"  
  
The boy stares at you. The wind begins to blow.  
  
WHY DOES THE WIND BLOW?  
Why does any wind blow?  
  
You have been away from Spike for: 1 hour.  
  
One of the children in front of you morphs into a demon.  
  
KILL DEMON  
You kill the demon. The other demon-children flee.  
  
KILL ALL DEMONS  
They've left.  
  
GET SPIKE  
Spike is not here.  
  
FIND SPIKE  
You go off to search for Spike.  
  
. . . . . . .time passes . . . . . .  
  
You have been away from Spike for: 1 and 1 half hours  
  
"Buffy! Buffy!" Someone is calling you.  
  
WHO IS CALLING ME?  
You turn and see  
  
ANGEL  
EX-BOYFRIEND  
VAMPIRE  
SOUL  
"Angel!"  
  
"Buffy, thank god I found you. It's total chaos!"  
  
"You're a vampire. You have a soul!"  
  
ANGEL stares at you. "What?"  
  
"Angel, where is Spike?"  
  
"Spike is behind this?!"  
  
"Where is Spike!"  
  
Angel is confused. "I don't . . . Buffy, are you feeling okay?"  
  
HEALTH  
You're worried for Spike, but otherwise are in perfect condition.  
  
"Yes, I am fine."  
  
"Well . . . okay . . . so we should fine Spike."  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"Did you do something with your hair? Looks different."  
  
SMILE  
  
"My hair is silky and soft. I wash it every day."  
  
Angel stares at you. "Let's just look for Spike."  
  
You begin to look for Spike again.  
  
  
"Well, this is just . . . neat!" Spike remarked as he watched the hordes of tiny monsters wreaking  
havoc. "It's just genius."  
  
"SPIKE! Oh, Spike!" A familiar voice called. Spike spun around, game face on.  
  
  
SPIKE! It's SPIKE!  
  
"Buffy?!" Angel yells  
IGNORE ANGEL  
You ignore Angel.  
  
"Spike! Why did you leave me all alone?!"  
  
Spike's face goes back to normal. He stares at you.  
  
SMILE  
  
He doesn't smile back.  
  
KISS SPIKE  
  
Spike shoves you off.  
  
"What the frikkin hell are you DOING?!"  
  
SMILE  
  
He doesn't smile back.  
  
GRAB SPIKE'S ARM  
  
You attempt to grab Spike's arm. Spike shoves you and starts backing away.  
  
"I don't know what gotten into -" He stops. He attacks!  
  
SCENARIO: 4  
  
You try to stake Spike. He ducks. He punches at you. You duck, and run in close, pressing  
against him, smiling seductively. He looks alarmed.  
  
"Get offa me!" He pushes you.  
  
SMILE  
  
"Do you want to ravage me now?"  
  
He starts to run. 


	4. Halloween Horror Nights, Part 2

Title: The Buffybot's Guide to the Galaxy, Part 4/?  
Author: Andry (rankochan@la.fille.gq.nu)  
Rating: PG/PG-13, language, sexual content  
Disclaimer: *standard disclaimer*  
Other: Takes place in Tough Love, after Willow and Tara's fight.   
Author's Notes: People are actually reading my fic and telling me they like it - this is a complete first for me! If it hadn't been for feedback I never would've gotten this far, and I wanted to say thank you to all the people that reviewed it or read it or anything.  
  
Halloween Horror Nights, Part 2  
  
  
Spike was mad.  
  
Spike got mad pretty easily - one might say he had a quick temper. He usually got over it pretty soon.  
  
He'd get over this, eventually, too . . . in a million, maybe a billion years, long after the Slayer's wretched bones had decomposed into nothing. And he promised himself that once his pride healed the Slayer's bones would be just that much more dusty, as she was gonna be rotting six feet under as soon as the slayerettes got together a funeral procession.  
  
She would die tonight.   
  
Not tomorrow. Not some other night that wasn't tonight. Tonight.  
  
"You!" He bellowed at one of the ridiculously small demons littering the place. "Get here, if you want anything to show for the night!"  
  
---------------------------------------  
"Oh, good! You guys are all right! Listen . . . there's something seriously wrong with Buffy." Angel did a double take. "Buffy?!"  
  
Buffy glanced up, eyes wide, mouth open. "H-how do you know my name?"  
  
"Who are you?" Xander growled, stepping in front of Buffy.  
  
"Buffy, you . . . what's . . . how . . . "  
  
For what was certainly not the first time and probably wouldn't be the last, Angel was utterly at a loss.  
  
"They don't know who they are, everyone's turned into a monster, it's a whole big thing," Cordelia called from the top of the steps, Angel turned, a pleading, confused expression on his face.   
  
"What?"  
  
"They . . . well, Willow can tell you what happened later. Whatever." She smiled. "How are you?"  
  
Angel ignored the question. "Where's Willow?"  
  
Cordelia stared at him in disbelief. "Who cares?"  
  
The lights shut off then, and Angel blinked, his eyes adjusting quickly. He was more comfortable in the dark, anyway.  
  
In the sudden shadows, Angel saw Buffy latch onto Cordelia in fear. The taller girl glanced down in annoyance.  
  
"Do you mind?"  
  
Chastised, Buffy let go.   
  
"You," Xander was saying. Angel glanced up. "Take the princess and secure the kitchen. Catwoman, you're with me."  
  
Angel mentally shook himself. There would be time enough later to be confused - right now he had to be worried. He headed for the kitchen.  
  
"But I don't wanna go with you!" Buffy cried. Angel turned to stare at her. "I-I like the man with the musket!"  
  
Angel blinked twice, rapidly. "C'mon." He took her arm, gentle but firm, just how he knew a lady should be handled.  
  
"Do you have a musket?" Buffy inquired, staring up at him, eyes wide. Angel took a quick, perfunctory glance around the kitchen to make sure everything was in order. Something caught his eye - the door. He frowned.  
  
"I didn't leave that open."  
  
He slunk as quietly as possible across the floor, feeling Buffy watching him. It was amazing to him that she could be so different and still smell more or the less the same. There was only one real change - fear. He shut the door, a sense of relief washing over him.  
  
That relief melted in an instant as he heard something behind him. A warning died on his lips as the basement door opened and Buffy was attacked.  
  
Angel grabbed the vampire, wrestling him away from Buffy and onto the floor.   
  
"A stake!"   
  
"A what?" Buffy demanded.  
  
"Get me a stake! Hurry up!"  
  
He turned his head, frustrated with her baffling incompetence.  
  
Buffy screamed.  
  
Angel realized that he had never really heard her scream - at least, not like that.  
  
Buffy ran.  
  
"Buffy, no!"  
  
Buffy was gone.  
  
---------------------------------------  
Spike wasn't big on hiding - it was cowardly and damn unmanly. Spying, on the other hand, was clever and took skill.  
  
One voice asked, "Are you sure she came this way?"  
  
"No."  
  
"She'll be okay," a young girl reassured him.  
  
"*Buffy* would be okay," Angel reminded the children. "Whoever she is now, she's helpless."  
  
Spike grinned, glanced down the the monsters.  
  
"Do you hear that, my friends?" He inquired, his voice soft, almost purring. The tiny creatures bobbed their heads up and down, growling. "Somewhere out there is the *tenderest* meat you've *ever* tasted, and all we have to do is find her first!"  
  
He sent the monsters off to look for her, not expecting much. Though he wasn't entirely sure what was going on, they seemed like children - and besides, they were already going the wrong way.  
  
He watched the shadows of Angel and the other two as they melted and merged with other shadows. He wondered if either of the two children had any idea just how much danger the Slayer was in.   
  
He grinned to himself. Angelus knew. God, did he ever know.  
  
---------------------------------------  
Her protectors were held fast in the grip of terrible monsters; another was advancing on her. Surely she would meet her end. She shook so hard so felt her bones would simply tremble out of her skin.  
  
"Look at you," The monster breathed. "Shaking. Terrified. Alone." He leaned in closer, and she felt herself surprised that no breath was on her face and neck. "Lost little lamb."  
  
Suddenly the back of his hand had struck her face, and tears sprang to her eyes.  
  
"I love it."  
  
One of her protectors strained in the clutches of the his captor; "Buffy!" he cried.  
  
The white-haired monster put a hand to her throat and pushed her backwards over the box. She felt his other hand stoke her forehead, then there was a strong pulling on her hair as he leaned in for -   
  
Buffy shook herself. Spike pulled at her hair, and her wig toppled off into his hands. He glanced up at her.  
  
Buffy grinned.  
  
"Hi, honey. I'm home."  
  
---------------------------------------  
You have been away from Spike for: 2 hours. You should now go to his crypt and wait for him.  
  
GO CRYPT  
You cheer on the crypt.  
  
GO TO CRYPT  
Where is the crypt?  
  
SEARCHING: DIRECTIONS TO CRYPT . . . SEARCHING . . . COMPLETE. 1 FILE FOUND.  
  
GO TO CRYPT  
You go to his crypt and stand outside. It is large and made of stone. Ivy coats the door.  
  
GO INTO CRYPT  
You walk into the door.  
  
GO INSIDE CRYPT  
You walk into the door.  
  
OPEN DOOR  
It's a struggle, but you get it open.  
  
GO INTO CRYPT  
You go into the crypt. It is completely bare.  
  
SIT DOWN  
You sit down on the floor of the crypt.  
  
. . . . . . .time passes . . . . . . 


	5. The Search for Spike

Title: The Buffybot's Guide to the Galaxy, Part 5/?  
Author: Andry (rankochan@la.fille.gq.nu)  
Rating: PG/PG-13, language, sexual content  
Disclaimer: *standard disclaimer*  
Other: Takes place in Tough Love, after Willow and Tara's fight.   
Author's Notes: Ok, yeah, so this took a while longer to get out then I meant for it to . . . I sort of forgot about it. ^^;;; Anyway, I'm glad people are enjoying the story so much, and I mean to continue it, even if it is . . . ages . . . between chapters. I just hope any readers the story has have the patience to wait! ;-P  
  
The Search for Spike  
  
  
The door opens.  
  
WHY IS DOOR OPENING?  
Someone's coming in.  
  
WHO?  
Four big demons.  
  
KILL DEMONS  
You jump to your feet and get in ready stance.  
  
"Who the hell are you?" One big demon asks.  
  
KILL DEMONS  
Be polite.  
  
INTRODUCE SELF  
"The name is *Buffy*, but you won't need to remember it because you won't make it out of here alive!"  
  
KILL DEMONS  
You leap at the demon and punch and kick it repeatedly. He throws you, but you regain footing. You grab a lid off one of the stone coffins and bash him over the head with it. The other demons circle you.  
  
KILL DEMONS  
You bash them over the head, too.  
  
KILL DEMONS  
The demons are unconscious.  
  
KILL DEMONS  
You mash the demons down into their basic molecular compounds.  
  
ARE DEMONS DEAD?  
Very.  
  
HUG SPIKE  
Spike is not here.  
  
You have been away from Spike for: 4 and 1 half hours.  
  
CALL SPIKE  
"Spike?"  
  
Spike doesn't answer.  
  
MISS SPIKE  
You miss Spike.  
  
GET SPIKE  
Spike is not here.  
  
FIND SPIKE  
You have already tried to find Spike.  
  
GO TO XANDER's APARTMENT  
You go to Xander's apartment.  
  
. . . . . . .time passes . . . . . .  
  
APOLOGIZE TO MAN  
The man has shut the door.  
  
OPEN THE DOOR  
You're advised against it.  
  
WHY?  
He told you that if you ever came within a ten-mile radius of his apartment again, he would do unspeakable things to your firstborn.  
  
You have been away from Spike for: 5 hours.  
  
GO TO MAGIC BOX  
You go to the Magic Box.  
  
. . . . . . .time passes . . . . . .  
  
OPEN DOOR  
You open the door to the Magic Box and walk inside. It is different. An unfamilar man stands at the counter, and he smiles at you.  
  
WHERE IS SPIKE?  
Spike is not here.  
  
GILES, WHERE IS SPIKE?  
Giles is not here.  
  
WHERE IS GILES?  
Giles is not here.  
  
ASK MAN WHERE GILES IS  
  
The man stares at you.  
  
"Who?"  
  
GILES  
EX-WATCHER  
OLD  
RUNS THE MAGIC BOX  
"Giles runs the Magic Box. He is no longer a Watcher."  
  
The man continues to stare at you.  
  
WHY DOES HE STARE?  
Because you are beautiful.  
  
SMILE  
You smile at the man.   
  
The man sighs.  
  
"Look, kid, I don't know who Giles is. Did he own this place before?"  
  
"He owns it now!"  
  
He sighs again. "Well, I don't know any Giles', so, uh . . . Sorry."  
  
SMILE  
  
The man smiles back.  
  
MAN, WHERE IS SPIKE?  
  
The man ushers you out.  
  
You have been away from Spike for: 5 and 1 half hours.   
  
GO TO WILLY'S  
Are you sure?  
  
GO TO WILLY'S  
You go to Willy's Place.  
  
. . . . . . .time passes . . . . . .  
  
ENTER WILLY'S  
You enter Willy's Place. It is small and dimly lit. WILLY stands behind the counter. Patrons are scattered around, drinking delicious liquors.  
  
WHERE IS SPIKE?  
Spike is not here.  
  
WILLY, WHERE IS SPIKE?  
  
Willy squints at you.  
  
"Spike? I don't know any Spike. Say, aren't you Angel's girl? The Slayer?" He says loudly. "The Slayer?" He says, more loudly.  
  
WHY SPEAK LOUDLY?  
Perhaps some patrons are hard of hearing.  
  
APOLOGIZE TO DEAF CUSTOMERS  
The few customers there exit quickly, possibly because they can't hear.  
  
Willy leans over the counter to speak to you. "Look, kid, if Angel put you up to hi-"  
  
"Angel's lame. His hair goes straight up and he's bloody stupid."  
  
Willy blinks.  
  
WHY DOES WILLY BLINK?  
Perhaps he had something in his eye.  
  
OFFER TO CLEAN OUT WILLY'S EYE  
Ew, that's really gross.  
  
"Well . . . look, I'd help you out, Slayer, really I would, you know, if you've split from Angel and all, but Spike'd have my head on a platter."  
  
SPIKE IS NOT A TAXIDERMIST  
He means Spike would kill him if he gave away Spike's current location.  
  
"Spike can't kill! He has a nasty - expletive - chip in his brain that doesn't let him hurt humans, though one day he will get it out and be the biggest, baddest mother the world has ever seen!"  
  
Willy blinks again. He is staring at you oddly.  
  
WHERE IS SPIKE?  
Spike is not here.  
  
WILLY, WHERE IS SPIKE?  
"Willy, where is Spike?"  
  
Willy pauses. He is obviously racking his brain for Spike's current location. Please wait patiently.  
  
"You know that one apartment complex near the Bronze?" He asks finally.  
  
"In Sunnydale?"  
  
He nods very slowly.  
  
SEARCHING: INTERNAL MAP OF SUNNYDALE. MAP FOUND. GO EAST. SEARCHING: APARTMENT COMPLEX . . . SEARCHING . . . COMPLETE. 1 FILE FOUND.  
  
"Yes, I do."  
  
"Well, just go there - hang on, I'll get the number - and I promise you'll find . . . your vampire."  
  
YAY!  
You are overjoyed, and very gratified.  
  
EXPRESS JOY AND GRATIFICATION  
You express yourself by giving Willy a great big hug.  
  
GO TO APARTMENTS  
You go to the Spike's apartment. 


	6. How to Confront Lame Vampires

Title: The Buffybot's Guide to the Galaxy, Part 6/?  
Author: Andry (draco@la.fille.gq.nu)  
Rating: PG/PG-13, language, sexual content  
Disclaimer: *standard disclaimer*  
Other: Takes place in Tough Love, after Willow and Tara's fight.   
Notes: Andry's on a roll. Only a month between updates. That's like . . . a record. Anyway, this chapter was written while listening to excessive amounth of Put on a Happy Face - so apologies in advance for typos and stupidity, I blame it all on Dick Van Dyke. He seems to inspire that kind of thing. ;)  
  
How to Confront Lame Vampires  
  
  
There are some vampires who are morning people. In the early hours they like to drape black curtains over the windows, sit in lumpy, moth-eaten armchairs and watch cartoons and ads for all the highly expensive merchandise that is apparently the only real way to enjoy said cartoons.  
  
Some vampires.  
  
Then you came across vampires like Angel, who, after a night of prowling around Sunnydale, like to collapse into their beds and not be heard from again until . . . well, whenever it is they wake up.  
  
One Buffy Summers suspects that cartoons often play in the background while he sleeps, but there's no concrete evidence to support that.  
  
Though it would explain his recurring dream about touring the French Revolution with Yakko, Wakko and Dot . . .  
  
Anyway, the point is that Angel dislikes being woken up. Buffy knows this, and though she usually forgets, she makes the attempt not to, and Angel respects that.  
  
So when Buffy burst into his apartment very early one morning, Angel was not pleased.  
  
"SPIKE!" Buffy's voice came. "SPIKE! SPIKE, I MISSED YOU! OH, SPIKE!"  
  
Spike?  
  
Blearily Angel opened one eye. He was not Spike. He decided to tell her.   
  
"I'm not Spike," Angel groaned, sitting up and stretching. Buffy was too busy bounding around the apartment, still calling for-  
  
"SPIKE! Spike, where are you! I waited and I waited but I missed you! SPIKE! Spike, I -"  
  
"Buffy." Angel was standing now, squinting at the girl, trying to figure out just who had slipped a hefty amount of LSD into her breakfast this morning.  
  
Instantly Buffy quieted and spun around, golden curls flinging out behind her. She looked . . . puzzled.  
  
"Hello, Angel!" She said cheerfully.  
  
Angel nodded hello, staring at her with the sort of scrutiny one might afford the print in Gone With the Wind.  
  
"Angel, where is Spike?" Buffy inquired, concern etching into her voice. "Willy the Bartender said he was here. He didn't say I would see you." She cocked her head, eyes wide. "Why stare at me, Angel?"  
  
"Buffy . . . um . . . why . . ." he found he was having trouble forming the words. "Why are you . . . looking for Spike?"  
  
She looked mildly affronted. "Because I love him!" She grinned hugely, and Angel paused to reflect on how beautiful she was. "And because he has a tight, muscular physique."  
  
Muscular?  
  
Tight?  
  
Love?  
  
"Buffy?"  
  
Buffy smiled.  
  
"Yes that is me!"  
  
"Buffy, you're . . . you're just kidding." It was more a statement of fact than an actual question. The possibility of Buffy being in love with Spike was about as likely as Drusilla running away to the Caribbean to spend the rest of her life as a traveling salesman.  
  
Then it clicked. Drusilla.  
  
The night before he had noticed a few strange things - namely Buffy's obsession with Spike, and just things in general had seemed off, even before he saw eighteenth-century Buffy. When he asked her about it, she remembered her principal mentioning another Buffy that had taken her group of children Trick-or-Treating, and she had assumed it was an imposter. Angel hadn't known quite what to make of it, but now it was obvious.  
  
The vacant stare. The obsession with Spike.   
  
It was Drusilla playing one of her mind-games.  
  
Involuntarily Angel felt his fist clench. The vague annoyance and confusion and even tiredness dissipated in the wake of this . . . betrayal.  
  
"Dru," he said, softly, his eyes glittering, "I know it's you."  
  
Buffy cocked her head, staring up at him, her expression one of pleasant curiousity.  
  
"Can't believe you thought this'd fool me," he said with a derisive laugh. "You think I don't know the slayer when I see her?"  
  
Buffy smiled hugely. "I'm the slayer! Vampires of the world beware, for BUFFY is here!"  
  
Angel shook his head and grabbed her by the shoulders. "Dru, you don't understand-"  
  
"Angel don't touch me!" she cried, jumping away. Angel flinched. "The ever-manly and always handsome Spike would be forced to defend my jilted sense of maidenhood if he ever found out!"  
  
"Dru, enough. It's over. Just take Spike and get out of town." He turned away, disgusted. Hearing those words coming from Buffy's mouth . . .  
  
Something lit up in the girl's eyes and he watched her, feeling something akin to nervousness prickle at the back of his neck. Even Dru didn't really act like this. What was . . .?  
  
"I think you should go now," she said quietly. "Spike doesn't have to answer to you anymore, and neither do I!"  
  
Angel, irrationally, felt hurt. "Dru, I . . . I never took control of . . . well, maybe a lit-"  
  
Her eyes lit up again. "Angel, get out of my way! I'm not going to cry over you anymore because I have moved on, and you should too, you great poofter!"  
  
He stared at her in stark amazement. "Dru?"   
  
Buffy responded with a strong uppercut to his jaw. Angel staggered sideways, reeling from the blow. She struck again, again, again . . .  
  
Suddenly he was seeing black.  
  
---------------------------------------  
"Hi Angel . . ." Buffy called out tentatively. There was no response.  
  
"Hey, Angel? You home?"  
  
She glanced around, puzzled. Well, no big. He was probably still asleep. Which just made her feel even more guilty.   
  
She couldn't believe she had left her history homework over here. It was a very stupid thing to do, she reflected, and in no way was it an intentional ploy so he would help her with it. No way. Buffy didn't ploy her boyfriends.   
  
Only . . . sometimes . . .  
  
"Angel, I - oh my god!"  
  
Her vague guilt and worry switched to panic and fear in an instant as she saw the vampire lying on the ground, bruised and bleeding.  
  
"Angel!" She cried, kneeling beside him and turning him over right side up. "Oh god! Are you - Angel, wake up!"  
  
Angel groaned, turning his head to the side to stare up at her blearily.  
  
"Buffy?" he asked softly, reaching up a hand to touch her face.  
  
"What happened?" She whispered. "What did this?"  
  
"Another . . . you . . . oh, uh. My head." He tried to sit up.  
  
"No, don't sit up," Buffy admonished, pushing him back to the floor as she got up to go to the refrigerator. Grabbing a bag of blood, she hurried back to him and knelt down again, smoothing the hair against his forehead.  
  
"Here. Eat."  
  
She watched him for a moment, taking in the sight of him. She never tired of it; he was such a contrast, light and dark everywhere. Absolutely the most gorgeous guy she'd ever seen.  
  
Still holding his hand, she asked, "What did this to you?"  
  
Angel groaned, wiping his mouth and trying again to sit up, but Buffy's slim, cool hands on his chest halted the process. He shrugged slightly.  
  
"It was you. The . . . the other you . . ."  
  
Buffy's eyes went wide, and she sucked in a breath, fury etching itself into her face. "The imposter?"  
  
Angel shrugged again, moving to take another drink from the blood bag. "It's Dru. Drusilla. She . . . it's . . ." he trailed off at the expression on her face.  
  
There was a long pause.  
  
"Who is Dru?" Buffy finally asked, quietly. She held the blood away from him, scowling down at him with the ire only an extremely jealous girlfriend could muster.  
  
"Dru . . . oh, Buffy, it's not like that . . . not . . . not now, anyway . . . Buffy, don't . . . no . . ." Angel muttered weakly, reaching out a hand of protest.  
  
Buffy's eyes lit up in fury, then cooled instantly.  
  
The bag of blood still in hand, she stood up and strode to the door, slamming it behind her.  
  
As an afterthought, the door opened again, and with the aim of a true slayer, the bag was hurled back in and struck Angel squarely on the forehead.  
  
He sighed. Deeply. 


	7. Say, You Look Just Like Me!

Title: The Buffybot's Guide to the Galaxy, Part 7  
Author: Andry (draco@la.fille.gq.nu)  
Rating: PG/PG-13, language, sexual content  
Disclaimer: *standard disclaimer*  
Other: Takes place in Tough Love, after Willow and Tara's fight.  
  
Say, You Look Just Like Me!  
  
  
WHERE AM I?  
You are on a street. It is late afternoon and cars are going by. The Bronze is near here.  
  
TAKE CAR  
You try, but the car is too fast for you.  
  
GO TO BRONZE  
You go to the Bronze. The security guard lets you in and you smile at him.  
  
LOOK BRONZE  
The Bronze is very large and the music is loud. The aroma of a wide variety of delicious liquors is in the air. Many young people are here, and they wiggle, presumably because of the music.  
  
WIGGLE  
You wiggle to the music. People begin to stare at you.  
  
STOP WIGGLING  
The people go back to what they were doing.  
  
IS SPIKE HERE?  
Not that you can see. But Willow and Xander are sitting at a table not far away.  
  
GREET FRIENDS  
"Hello, friends of mine!"  
  
Willow smiles.   
  
"Buff, hey, where's the drinks?" Xander asks.  
  
SHOW XANDER WHERE DRINKS ARE  
You point to the place where they serve liquors.  
  
Willow laughs nervously.  
  
"Yeah, Buffy. Heh. But, um, weren't you gonna . . . you know . . . get drinks?"  
  
INQUIRE OF SPIKE'S LOCATION  
"Willow, where is Spike?"  
  
Willow's eyes get very wide. "Well, um, I don't know where Spike is, Buffy. Sh-should I?"  
  
"I didn't ask where Spike is," Other Buffy responds.  
  
GREET OTHER BUFFY  
"Hello, Buffy!"  
  
Buffy spills the drinks she was carrying all over the floor. "Oh my god," she says.  
  
"And so say all of us," Xander replies.  
  
SMILE  
No one smiles back. Buffy looks angry.  
  
"Look, evil imposter girl, drop the act," she says. "Angel's already told me all about you."  
  
ANGEL'S LAME  
"Angel's lame. His hair goes straight up and he's bloody stupid."  
  
Xander blinks. "What?"  
  
Buffy is still staring at you meanly, and she turns to Xander very suddenly and says, "Stake?"  
  
HAND BUFFY A STAKE  
Buffy grabs it quickly. Then she jumps and drops it. She is glaring.  
  
"Angel's told me all about you," Buffy says warningly. "You're his vampire ho Drusilla."  
  
"So Angel's behind this!" Xander says loudly, startling a few of the patrons. "I knew it all along!"  
  
SMILE  
You smile at Xander. He smiles back weakly.  
  
"Buffy and Buffy," Willow marvels. "Two Buffy's! Buffy's abound!"   
  
"She could be your long-lost, seperated at birth twin sister," Xander offers.  
  
Buffy looks at him strangely. "Get out much, Xand?"  
  
FIND SPIKE!  
"People! Friends of mine! We have to find Spike, or harm may befall him!"  
  
"Besides, no way is that Spike-junkie related to me," Buffy says.  
  
"Well, maybe we could go to Giles'," says Willow. "He always knows what to do, with his books, and stuff. You know, knowledge guy's all with-the-know." She smiles.  
  
GILES  
"Giles is old. He has withdrawn from society and is British."  
  
They stare at you strangely.  
  
"Whatever it is, it's done it's research," Buffy says grudgingly.  
  
SMILE  
Xander grins. Willow smiles tentatively.   
  
"So we're going to Giles' house," Buffy says decisively. She starts putting things in her bag.  
  
GO TO GILES' HOUSE  
You go to Giles house.   
  
---------------------------------------  
"So what do we do?" Xander asked quietly. Buffy shrugged and made a face, drawing a finger through her hair.  
  
"I don't know. This is all just so surreal, you know?" She laughed nervously. "I'm just glad it's such a lame copy. I mean, look at her hair! Would I ever do something like that?" She shook her head.  
  
Willow and Xander exchanged glances.  
  
"Look, where's she going?" Willow asked. Buffy glanced up to see the Other Buffy grinning stupidly at the security guard as she left the Bronze.  
  
"Giles' house, I guess. I mean, she seems to know the way." She shrugged her bag over her shoulder. "We'll just follow her."  
  
Willow and Xander fell into step with her as she exited into the chilly alleyway, Other Buffy a few paces ahead.  
  
"I wonder what Giles'll make of her," Willow said softly, sounding amused.  
  
Buffy's eyes lit up. What, indeed . . .  
  
---------------------------------------  
"Buffy! Buffy!" Xander whispers. "Knock and go in! We'll be right here!"  
  
SMILE  
You smile at Xander. He waves cheerfully and laughs behind his hand.  
  
GO IN  
You enter Giles' home. It is drab and boring. Giles sits on the couch, watching TV.  
  
GILES, FIND SPIKE!  
"Giles! Quickly, get your most useful weapons! We have to find Spike!"  
  
Giles makes a funny noise and switches off the TV. He throws a cover over it.  
  
"Buffy, ah, ah, Buffy, it-it's wonderful to see you, didn't hear you come in, ah - Spike what?"  
  
SPIKE!  
"Giles, Spike could be in danger! It's my duty to save him and his washboard abs!"  
  
Giles coughs loudly and drops his glasses. He stares at you funny.  
  
GILES, WHY STARE AT ME?  
His vision could be distorted due to his current lack of glasses.  
  
I LOOK FUNNY?  
It's entirely probable.  
  
SPIKE!  
"Giles, you're my Watcher. Please watch me find Spike!"  
  
There is a funny sound outside, like people gagging on large intestinal organs. Giles seems to be disturbed by the sound and he opens the door to see. Buffy, Xander and Willow are outside. Buffy and Xander are laughing loudly and crying, and Willow appears to be choking on something.  
  
SAVE WILLOW!  
You go over to Willow, but as soon as she sees you she falls down next to Xander laughing too hard to speak.  
  
"Buffy?" Giles asked.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
The Other Buffy points up at him, still laughing.  
  
"Psyche!" 


	8. Strange Currencies

Title: The Buffybot's Guide to the Galaxy, Part 8  
Author: Andry (rankochan@la.fille.gq.nu)  
Rating: PG/PG-13, language, sexual content  
Disclaimer: *standard disclaimer*  
Other: Takes place in Tough Love, after Willow and Tara's fight.  
  
Notes: Oh look, it's an unspeakable lack of updates. Sorry guys. I wasn't really too inspired to write this season, but the finale got me back in the groove, so . . . hopefully . . . I'll finish it. Hopefully by the end of summer, since I'm out of school and I have more time to waste on stuff like this.  
  
Strange Currencies  
  
  
"So, that's - that's Buffy."  
  
"Uh-huh."  
  
"And that's . . ."  
  
"A fake."  
  
"I-I see." Giles cleared his throat. "Dear lord."  
  
"We have to find Spike!"  
  
Shuddering with revulsion, Buffy added reluctantly, "Angel said it was somebody called Dru." She paused, struggling to keep the jealously out of her voice. "Drusilla, his vampire slut."  
  
"Oh, Buffy!" Willow exclaimed. "It's not like that. Angel's not like that. It's not like that." She nodded reassuringly. Buffy said nothing.  
  
"Ah-you said - Drusilla . . .?" Giles stood up, polishing his glasses a final time and slipping them back atop his nose. Reaching over to one of the many open books, he flipped to a page and took out a tea-stained sheet of notebook paper. "Ah, yes, here we are. Drusilla - it appears she was _sired_ by Angelus . . . oh." He paused. "But she died in a mob-scene some years ealier." He stared down his glasses at the Other slayer. She smiled broadly.  
  
Buffy looked uncertain. "So who's wrong?"  
  
"That would seem to be the question," Giles said dryly.  
  
"Oh! Oh, and! She came in uninvited!" Xander jumped in. "Check out the powers of observation on this bad boy," he added to Willow. She grinned back, fondly.  
  
"So if she's not a vamp . . ." Willow trailed off, looking puzzled.   
  
"What is she?" Buffy finished, peering into the bright, vacant eyes.  
  
  
  
>"I'm the slayer! I fight the evil!"  
  
"Just the one?" Buffy asks.  
  
>SMILE  
Buffy has lost interest in you altogether.  
  
"It would still seem that Angel is, is a definite source of information," Giles says.   
  
>"I have information about many different topics that I can present in various exciting ways!"  
  
"Alright, look up 'Creepy Doppelgangers That Don't Shut Up'," Buffy says.  
  
>SEARCHING: CREEPY DOPPELGANGERS WHO DON'T SHUT UP . . . SEARCHING . . . COMPLETE. 0 FILES FOUND.  
>"I don't have any information stored on that topic. Sometimes it helps to restate the information in a less specific way. Try 'Creepy Doppelgangers'."  
  
"We should start researching," Willow says. "And-and Buffy can go to Angel's, and, you know, get the full scoop."  
  
"No, no," Buffy says very fastly. "I think Angel can sit this one out. I mean, he was wrong anyway, right?"  
  
"But, Buffy, Angel may know something vital to the matter - perhaps some, um, inside information, or something of the sort . . ."  
  
"Yeah, Buffy, just bring him over. He can at least help with research." Willow smiles in a cute and witchy way.  
  
>COMPLIMENT WILLOW  
>"Willow, you have a cute and witchy smile."  
  
"Uh . . . thanks?"  
  
Buffy reaches over and takes your wrist. "Come on. I need some concrete evidence I'm not just schizoid."  
  
>EXPRESS PERPLEXITY  
>"Huh?"  
  
She sighs. "We're going to Angel's. Just follow me, okay? And keep quiet."  
  
>ANGEL'S LAME  
>"Angel's lame! His hair goes straight up and it's bloody stupid."  
  
"Now see, how could I possibly go and offend her delicate sensibilities that way?" Buffy asks in a SARCASTIC voice. Sarcastic - sardonic or derisive; ie, mean.  
  
"Buffy, I'm not sure I understand your-your averseness to visiting Angel, but - "  
  
"I have a sacred duty that has to be fulfilled? Already gotcha. You know, the first dozen times."  
  
Buffy pulls you towards the door and shuts it behind you.  
  
  
  
Not that she expected Giles to be sympathetic, or to understand, or to even care, but -   
  
"Oh, shoot!" Buffy stamped her foot, annoyed. "I left my stake inside." She swiveled quickly to regard the Other her, trying to glare some semblance of understanding into her blank eyes.   
  
"I'm going to get my stake, okay?" She said, slowly. "I want you to stay right here, in this spot exactly, because otherwise when I get back I will use it to poke holes in your eyeballs. Do you read me?"  
  
She smiled. Buffy took it to mean more or less yes, and retreated inside.  
  
"Back so soon?" Xander greeted with a cheesy grin. Rolling her eyes, Buffy grabbed her purse off the couch and went back out the door, waving to the gang.  
  
Feeling the fine beginnings of a monstrous headache, Buffy surveyed the decidedly empty front walk.  
  
"You know, somewhere I must have gotten the impression that you have an actual brain," she muttered, glancing around. She did a quick check around the area - a sop to her conscience - then, defeated, went back inside.  
  
  
  
He didn't dare glance over at the mysteriously quiet slayer sitting motionless on the passenger's seat. She hadn't even put up a fight - quite the opposite, flinging herself at him, screaming like she was going to bloody well orgasm on the spot - and then he had kicked her, and she had just went limp and silent. And pliable. Pliable.  
  
Ignoring the red light - really, who's stupid rule was that? Humanity's, that's who - he speed along the mostly deserted streets of Sunnydale, almost enjoying himself for the brief periods when he could avoid thinking about - _  
  
'You're still thinking about her, Spike.'  
  
'Not in a non-edible capacity, no . . .'  
  
'Edible? And which part would you want to eat first, I wonder?'_  
  
But here she was, here, beside him, with her shimmering golden hair and her clear, crystalline blue eyes -_  
  
'You keep making promises, my sweet, but they're only lies to my ears.'  
  
'I wouldn't lie to you, Dru . . . she'll die, I swear it. We'll bathe in the bitch's blood with her lifeless corpse to stand guard.'  
  
'Don't promise me, Spike, not when I watch you thinking about her . . .'_  
  
A ran a finger down the slayer's face, stroking her, almost caressing her, cutting into her soft skin with a fingernail. Lies._  
  
'She'll die, pet, and it'll be my hand that kills her.'  
  
'Yours?'  
  
'Ours.'_


End file.
